Ten Things In Unreadable Books That Would Make People Undateable

Last post was about what makes me love books, now I’ll write about what really puts me on edge on whether or not to read a book. There isn’t much. and each book has its individual things that can make or break the book. Just like people, let’s call this speed dating for books, here is a list of things that are in both books and people that would turn me away from committing time to them

Set Up By Someone Bad / Recommendations From Someone With Polarly Opposites in Taste

They set me up once and it was a miserable trip, I
was told it would be a perfect match that this person would satisfy all my fantasies. I tried their recommendation once and I ended up with someone who thought sweet potatoes and turnips are delicious and the core of every meal. That just doesn’t work with me, that disgusts me and to go back to books, I’ll try your book once, but if the book would be more entertaining as kindling then I won’t read the next.

Who Doesn’t Care About Themselves / Covers That Would’ve Been Better If A Blind Turtle Did It With Microsoft WordArt

If you don’t look well cared for, if your hair has grease in it and your shirt has stains from both today’s and last weeks breakfast burrito then you and I are not a match. I’d rather myself be sleeping in dinosaur manure than to sit with you for more than 3.14 seconds. In bookish terms, if your cover is too cliche, doesn’t match the book because you’d rather it look hip than to ACTUALLY REPRESENT THE BOOK YOU’RE TRYING TO SELL! how I imagine these book designers: “so

Cover Designer: so it’s an epic fantasy about a fight between wizards and witches?
Author: yes
CD: okay does the mc have a potential love interest?
A: only for a few pages but then they realise it’s wrong
CD: *creates stock image cover of a girl and guy in revealing wizard/which costumes and zentangles in the background and the girl has ombre hair and perfect eyeliner*

They Won’t Shut Up / When It’s Too Long

I sit down and instantly you start spewing words out of your word-hole and you just can’t stop telling me about how your ex-neighbors hamster used to star in a PetSmart Ad. I am not down for that, just like I am not down to read books that are over 500 pages long, except for series I am already invested in and the FIRST BOOK WASN’T THAT LONG.

Your Story Doesn’t Add Up / The Blurb Doesn’t Make Sense

Those two little paragraphs are meant to be the oversimplified explanation of what this book is about, its meant to be brief and engaging, if you tell me that it’s set in the victorian ages as a historical fiction and then the mc pulls out a chipotle burger, it’s like telling me you’re vegan and then order an entire rotisserie chicken. I will not trust and will refuse to try to understand the mess you are.

Cookie Cutter People / When It Sounds Unoriginal

I found you and 72 others just like you under the hashtag #coolkids. I don’t want something I have already read with just slightly different plots but still almost the same, it’s like walking through a 1970s preppy suburban neighborhood where each mother swears that her children are the brightest but you look around and they’re all wearing the same J.C. Penny sweater in just different colours and patterns.

Only Online / Only Available As Ebook

I am a very touchy person, I will not be able to connect with you if I cannot feel you, that totally isn’t creepy. But if you aren’t a three-dimensional object I can hold in my hand, you are just ones and zeros to be and as easy to put away as my phone finds it ridiculously easy to kill its own battery. We will have no connection and it’s not going past the first chapter.

No Face, Just Abs / No Face, Just Abs

Wow, it’s exactly the same for potential partners and books. If you are described better as a character with amazing pecs and gorgeous abs instead as a dude with an odd fascination with different electrical outlets around the world and someone who can’t and doesn’t want to control how they laugh then I wouldn’t want to give you my precious time.

Sports Fan / Sport Themed

Sports themed books and people will make no sense to me. Sports are just a game with no story and it’s rather repetitive and makes little to no sense. If a prospective parted were to take me to a sports game, you spend more time explaining it to me and dealing with all my questions of why? Why do sports books even exist?

Older Souls / Older Books

I want something new and relatable.  I like the shine of new things and don’t want to read something that’s been through the wars and the entire cast of characters is white because books that old have no diversity. Same thing with people, if you’re an old soul and would rather drink tea with cream while you watch reruns of the very old doctor who then I will fliP YOUR TEA TABLE BECAUSE MATT SMITH IS BETTER THAN ALL Y’ALL!

Too Late To The Game

I couldn’t really think of a dating comparison to this, comment below? For example, I could’ve read Harry Potter by now, but I really haven’t yet because I don’t feel any hype and it’s all done now, all the hype is mostly over, the movies are done and there is simply too much to catch up on if I wanted to start. Its post-secondary, I’ll have to attend school for four years before I can get this before I can become ingrained fully with this community. I just don’t have the time to invest into that much.

Did you write a top ten Tuesday too? Link me it in the comments below!